Chain Gang Therapy
by Slaycinder
Summary: And just like that, I was alone. With Axel. In handcuffs. Oh, dear God someone help me. Rated T for language and suggestive themes. ...And AkuRoku in general.
1. The Diagnosis

**Disclaimer: Let the record show that I do not own nor claim to own Kingdom Hearts. And let the record show that I am not happy about that. *sob***

**A/N: What's this? I'm starting another chappie before my other one is finished? OOPS. I'm sure it'll all work out…*cough* I felt like writing something derpy, so…yep.**

_**Bon à lire!**_

* * *

Chain Gang Therapy

Chapter 1 – The Diagnosis

-o-o-o-

"Okay, that is _it! _I've had it up to _here _with you _idiots!"_

When I say Sora never raised his voice, I mean Sora. Never. Raised. His voice. Ever. Anyone on the outside might question his capacity to feel anger at all, considering the gracious way he swept past conflict without any casualties. That of course wasn't true; Sora could feel anger just as well as anyone, he just did a really good job of handling it. Except for now. Now he was royally pissed, and it was coming off in waves. Really, really scary waves.

"All you ever do is _fight! _Over _nothing!"_

With the help of his loyal dog—I mean, boyfriend, Sora had lured me and Axel to their apartment, locked the door and proceeded to tear us a new one about our "relationship problems". _What _relationship problems? How could two friends even _have _relationship problems? Apparently Sora had found a way, and was now hell-bent on sharing that precious knowledge with us via lots of yelling and wild hand gesticulations.

"I mean, at first, it was kinda funny. Maybe even a little cute. But now? Now it's fucking annoying and I'm _sick _of it!"

Cussing, too? This really was a marvel to behold. Even Riku's eyes bulged a bit when the F-bomb came down, but Sora kept on trucking, completely bowling over how awkward it was to hear him swearing so vehemently. "And since it doesn't look like this is gonna end anytime soon, I've decided to intervene."

"Well now, wait just one minute," Axel drawled beside me. He was strung over his half—okay, more like three-fourths—of the couch with one hand trailing through those spectacular red spikes of his. (And by 'spectacular' I just mean that they stood out, not that I found them particularly appealing. …Or anything. Especially not when he ruffled them like that; nervous habit, totally Axel.)

"What exactly is the problem here? Roxy and I get along just fine."

I knew it was counterproductive, but I couldn't stop myself: "How many times do I have to tell you, _don't call me that!?"_

Axel swiveled his head toward me, dropping his hand limply over the arm of the couch. "Why not, Roxy? It suits you."

"I don't like it!"

"Sure you do."

"No! I _don't."_

"Do too~"

I raised my foot and drove it into his stupid gut, causing him to flop like a big, lanky fish and wheeze attractively. "Take _that, _firecrotch!"

Axel recovered from the assault and waggled his eyebrows at me. "What was that about my crotch, Foxy?"

I blushed furiously at the lewd nickname. "Shut up, you stupid asshat!" I made to kick him again, but he grabbed my ankle and yanked me across the couch until I was practically upside-down in his lap. Still tomato-red, I started flailing and kicking and mercilessly pummeling every accessible inch of him in an attempt to escape. Axel just smirked like a sexy—I mean stupid—jerk, countering my attacks with the efficiency of experience. "Lemme go, you ass!""

We were so caught up in our scrapping that we didn't hear Sora shouting, "Hey! HEY! Knock it off, you morons!"

We didn't see him storm off to the kitchenette across the room; we didn't see him dump ice and water into a large bucket, and we didn't see him hoist the bucket over us. I was about to ram my foot down Axel's smug throat when we were blasted with a freezing avalanche of pain.

"I said, KNOCK IT OFF!"

Sputtering and cursing, Axel and I disentangled ourselves, turning to glare at Sora, who set down the bucket and regarded us with his hands on his hips (manly) and a scowl on his face (somehow effectively intimidating).

"You want to know what the _problem _is? _That right there." _He jabbed a finger at us, I guess referring to the impromptu wrestling match he'd just had to diffuse. "_That's _the problem! You guys fight over the stupidest little things like it's a matter of life and death!"

"And frankly, the display of excess homoerotic tension is getting pretty old, too," Riku added unhelpfully.

The heat pooling in my face intensified, spreading down my neck and up to my ears. I scrambled spastically to the farthest non-Axel-fied end of the couch, avoiding physical contact at all costs. Homoerotic what now?

"So here's what we're gonna do," Sora declared, motioning for Riku to fetch something out of a closet in the hallway. What he came back with made my heart jump into my throat. "ARE THOSE HANDCUFFS?!"

Axel blinked way too calmly. "Why do you guys even have those?"

"Bedroom adventures."

"Riku! Never mind why we have them. We're going to use them to fix your guys' relationship problems."

I was too terrified by the handcuffs to be amused by the pink spray across Sora's face. "F-F-First of all," I defended, "we don't have any _relationship problems. _And second, if we _did, _how the _hell _would a pair of _handcuffs _help us?"

"Bedroom adventure?"

"Riku!" Sora snatched the cuffs and started advancing on us, holding them out threateningly. "If you two are forced to spend time together under special circumstances, you'll have no choice but to work through your unresolved issues, and that will bring you closer. Then, your relationship will be fixed and we can all move on with our lives. I'm sure it'll work; I saw it on TV once."

Oh, for the love of _God._

"You are not _cuffing _us _together, _Sora." I was ignored, and before I could make a run for it, Riku had magicked his way behind the couch and was clutching my wrist. He had also grabbed Axel's, though Axel seemed infinitely less concerned about the situation than he should have been. He looked on curiously as Sora clapped the cuffs around our wrists with two foreboding _clicks. _

"There," he nodded, satisfied. "Now you two are stuck like that until _we _decide that you're ready to have them off. And don't even think about looking for the key—I've hidden it where you'll never find it."

My first instinct was to tug on the chain, jerking Axel's arm and accomplishing absolutely nothing. "What, taped to the stick you've got shoved up your ass? Sora, this is ridiculous! How am I supposed to go day to day chained to _this _idiot?"

"Hey!"

"See, comments like _that_ are what got you into this mess in the first place," Sora returned unsympathetically.

"Uuugh…Can't you just…lock us in a room with a marriage counselor or something?" The chain linking the cuffs together was barely six inches long, so every frustrated hand motion I made dragged Axel's arm along with it. "Or leave us in a broom closet for three days, or…or gouge our eyes out as punishment?"

Axel tugged resentfully on the chain. "You're really not game for this, are you?"

"Are _you?"_

"Of _course! _I _love _spending time with my Roxy!" He gave the chain a determined pull and hauled me into an unyielding bear hug. I would have tried to kick his ass for it, but I was quickly becoming paralyzed with rage.

I bet he was in on it.

I bet it was Axel's idea, and Sora was humoring him, and Riku was humoring Sora.

All three of them were plotting against me, I just _knew _it.

"How long do we have to stay like this?" I sighed in defeat.

Sora crossed his arms. "Like I said; until we decide you're ready."

"Or until you kill each other," Riku shrugged. "Whichever comes first."

I could feel my eye twitching a little. "I think I'm leaning toward the latter…"

Sora laughed—maniacal bastard. "Well, we better get going." He linked arms with Riku and waved at us before shutting the door behind them. "Good luck!"

And just like that, I was alone.

With Axel.

In handcuffs.

Oh, dear God someone help me.

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**A/N: I totally did NOT get this idea from Death Note. *sniff* DON'T SUE ME.**

**Review for a chakram cookie~ **

**Flame for a chakram to the face!**

**-Slay**


	2. Day 1 - Initial Complications

**Disclaimer: Let the record show that I do not own nor claim to own Kingdom Hearts. And let the record show that I am not happy about that. *sob***

**A/N: Chapter 2, YAY! Just throwing this out there, if you have any ideas for situations that you think would be made hilarious by handcuffs, let me know, 'cause I'm fresh out of pixie dust. *more sob***

_**Bon à lire!**_

Chain Gang Therapy

Chapter 2 – Victim's Log: Day 1, Initial Complications

-o-o-o-

"We gotta find that damn key."

Not even five minutes after Officer Butthole and Captain Kiss-Ass left, I dove for the nearest compartment-bearing piece of furniture I could find and started shredding through the drawers with my free hand. Not in the bachelor chest in the entryway, not in the hall closet, not under any rugs or mats, not in any of the kitchen cabinets or drawers, not under the entertainment system, not in either of their school bags ("Isn't that a little intrusive?" "They knew what they were risking."). This was getting ridiculous. I was currently weaving my hand down the seams of the sofa, groping around carefully for anything that might resemble a key. To my side Axel sat dangling my cuffed hand like a dysfunctional yo-yo and yawning.

I cursed to myself and withdrew my hand, sitting up. "Nothing."

"Oh, _bother," _Axel rolled his eyes. "Looks like we'll just have to…_spend time together." _I thought I heard some foreboding music in the background, and a sinister flash of lightning would have perfectly completed my inner image of horror. I honestly loved spending time with Axel—what I _didn't _love was having my personal space continually impinged on by the single most incorrigible person I knew.

"Shut up," I grunted. "We can spend time together without _this." _I shook our cuffed arms with a despondent sigh. "I bet he took it with him…stupid jerk."

"Maybe it really is up his ass."

"Not helpful."

"Y'know, you haven't even violated the bedroom yet. Or the bathroom," Axel pointed out, nodding toward the hallway that stemmed off from the kitchen.

I bit my lip. My blatant disregard for Sora's privacy ran out when it came to investigating overly private places like the bathroom, or the bedroom that he shared with his sexually active boyfriend. "Yeah, I'm sure he hid it in the medicine cabinet," I sneered.

Axel saw my discomfort rising and went in for the kill. "Right between the condoms and the lube."

"AXEL."

No, no, no. This was _not _going to work. Not if he was going to be this much of an asshat the whole time. My right arm flinched automatically to cuff him over the head, but the cool metal around my wrist stopped me. I settled for kicking him in the stomach again, and while he was temporarily winded (and virtually silent), I took a moment to breathe deeply and gather my thoughts. Maybe this wasn't the worst thing in the world. I mean, Axel _could _be a complete and total pain in the ass, but at least he was a _familiar _complete and total pain in the ass. That had to count for something.

It'd be just like hanging out with Axel normally.

…Except that I wouldn't be able to escape. Ever. At all. Which wouldn't be a huge problem if Axel didn't crank out bad ideas like key chains on a conveyer belt. If Axel wanted to sneak into the movies, I was going with him. If Axel wanted to play elaborate pranks on people, I was going to help him. If Axel wanted to go base jumping (and believe me, it wasn't completely out of the question), he was dragging me with him, and while none of this was a far cry from his usual antics, it was the concept of "no way out" that got to me.

There was also the fact that…well…maybe my thoughts went somewhere weird sometimes, like when Axel was being particularly impish or when he got dangerously close in the middle of some wild innuendo. Or on the rare occasions when he acted human, saying and doing nice, compassionate things that reminded me of just how a good a friend he was. Stuff like that would happen, and strange things would creep into my head. Things I really, probably should _not _have been thinking about Axel. Things I didn't really think about anyone else. Things that convinced me that this whole being-chained-to-Axel-for-a-hereto-indiscernible-a mount-of-time thing wasn't going to work. Not if I lost my train of thought every time our eyes got locked, or went all tar-mouthed every time he took his shirt off…er, not that he did that a lot. I just…It's just that sometimes at the beach, or whatever…and he doesn't really work out or anything, but, I mean…still nice…y'know, in a lean kinda way…and whatnot… _Ahem. _Anyway. Moving on.

The bottom line was that I would not survive being literally _cuffed_ to this guy for an extended period of time, and I had to find a way out of it. Soon. Because while he may not always know what's causing it, Axel is ridiculously good at perceiving my "this is awkward" levels, and strives to exacerbate the situation as best he can. In fact, just by looking at him I could see him doing it—basically plotting my ultimate psychosocial downfall. Sitting right there next to me, I could practically hear him thinking, _What'll it be this time? What'll make Roxy-poo tick? _

Roxy-poo.

Puh.

Stupid nicknames. He never let up with them; no matter _how _many times I kicked him in his freaking tibias. I had to hand it to him—Axel was nothing if not persistent as fuck.

"…-hoo! Paging Dr. Bonehead…" My grim and irritated thoughts were shucked off by knuckles rapping against my forehead. I swatted Axel's hand away and frowned at him. "What?"

Axel threw his hands up defensively. "Just making sure you weren't brain-dead. You went thirty whole seconds without bitching about something, and I was starting to get worried."

"Shut up."

**A/N: Okay, this was gathering dust on my drive, so I decided to just post it. I meant it when I asked you guys to shoot me ideas. This is a pretty loosey-goosey, just-for-fun fan fiction. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of situations with these two that would be made hilarious by hand cuffs—I just have a lot going on and can't really think of anything at the moment. So, if you want to see this story continue, I'm gonna need some feedback. The fic is rated T, but I'll happily work with any pervy ideas you pitch. :D**

**Until next time, my lovely Embers!**

**-Slay**


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